"The woods are lovely, dark and deep."
-- Robert Frost

It's been awhile since I've written here, primarily because I haven't felt the need to vent my frustration, anger, or appreciations of beauty. But it's all come to a point now. Again, it will all be cryptic.

The world is, at its core, dark. Insecure. This includes everything, including me. But I am dark with light intentions. I don't pretend to ignore the darkness; I rather enjoy it at times. It makes life interesting.

A lot of people are light with dark intentions, and that to me is just worse. It's dishonest. They are light because they see themselves as moral, always thinking themselves right. But the truth is, beneath it all is a desire for conflict, for dissatisfaction, for boredom, and insecurity. And most people can't take this desire, so they express it in the ugliest ways and put a cover over it called "fair," "right," "good."

I, on the hand, hurt people, but I hurt people in very different ways. I hurt them by pleasing them, indulging them in their own fantasies. I am a mirror to their own unconscious, and let them face the dark intentions beneath them. Some people hate it; others enjoy it; but all of them need it. And that's how I make myself useful -- by giving people what they need. That's the light. Why? Because people see themselves better. Hopefully they come up with something good; sometimes they get something bad. But they become more honest with themselves.

The issue is that, at heart, I am also weak, dark, and in some respect empty. In order for any of it to work, I must be just a mirror, which can be exhausting for me, because I have my own substance, which must be kept hidden. I know you will object and say, "No, it doesn't! You should be real with people! If you can't be who you really are with other people, then..." But you've already stepped into this trap. Because people don't want who you really are: if they did then they'd be mirrors, too. People want the comfort of trusting you won't stab them in the back.

I know it sounds disconcerting to hear (or maybe I'm just talking to myself). We all dream of having meaningful relationships with people. We all dream of someone investing in us and us investing in them. But really that's not what we want. We want to be overcome. We something overwhelming to seize us. We want tragedy and enjoy it.

To continue, because I have a substance that must be kept hidden in order for the light process to work, people start to feel isolated, picked out. They don't want to feel they are the only ones who are revealed. This makes them feel as if they were used. But in reality, they are the users -- I'm simply a mirror. You can't expect a mirror to be more than a mirror, to reveal more than yourself. It gives only in proportion and symmetry what you put out. And if you're self-conscious, it will show you that, too.

The pain comes even more so when people realize that I am not simply a mirror. I am a cloak and something else. As resentful as they are when I am the mirror, they are even more hurt when I am the cloak. Because most people think they want to be mirrors, too, but they actually don't. They just don't want to be alone. They are light with dark intentions.

In any case, however hurt people are, there is no substitute for a mirror. You can yell at it and it'll stay quiet. You can be at your worst, and it will not criticize you. You can be special and it will show you love. There is no substitute -- and at heart you must succumb to it.

mark

thinking of better days
better people
still i wish you were here

mark